learning to love again

Divorce is a crazy thing, ya know. Months later, as I look back at all the many mistakes that were made, you realize how scary relationships can be. I was always that hopeless romantic who was confident in relationships, a deep love for love. I had no fear because of my great amount of trust I placed in the hand of another person. My heart. You place your heart and soul in the trust of someone you feel will safeguard it. I feel that being divorced has slapped reality on me. I now know the reality of marriage… it is not this beautiful, unconditional, never-failing thing that I idolized it to be. People can walk away, it’s just that simple.

I was the one who left. I asked for this. But that doesn’t make the heartache any less. It’s just a different kind of heartache. It’s a mourning of a dying relationship, a dying bond. Who wants to go through that again? I’ve never been broken up with. That’s a wild truth to admit but I haven’t. I don’t know exactly what that says about me or means really. But I’ve never felt abandoned in that deep way. I can’t even imagine the feeling. And that, that is what scares me. Learning to love again. (insert tears) How do you stop being selfish and stop thinking about yourself? This is my place of growth, reflection, and self-preservation, a way of protecting myself from being hurt.

But a stronger love, deeper love. Isn’t that what everyone wants? We want  to feel comfortable and safe. (sigh) I want to know that my heart is safe, without manipulation or fear that someone will try to make you what they want you to be. But this kind of love I seek comes with time (sigh), trust (sigh), and vulnerability (tears). It’s so hard to learn to love like that again. You know  the truth that never-married people just can’t understand.

Even knowing what I know and having felt the pain of a divorce, I still believe in love. Just yesterday, I was asked if I still believe in and want to be married. before having even answered, my eyes filled with tears. My thoughts: I’m young, just 27. I have a lifetime of love to give! Am I scared; Yes! I’m scared that I will fall for someone and that my track of never being broken up with will break and the universe will give me just what I deserve. My answer: absolutely! I absolutely still believe in marriage… love and being in a that deep of a relationship is BEAUTIFUL. (insert more tears)

I love being loved. Who doesn’t? The best truth of all, I have realized, is that I have a deeper respect for marriage. I have a realistic view so to speak on what it takes to make it survive. It isn’t always going to be easy. Life isn’t easy, it’s always changing and with that, people change. The thing is, you have to have a common goal that you are a “team”. Like a thick as thieves, best friends, you would die without the other “team”. You always have to consider  the other person, most of the time, above yourself even. There is no room for being selfish. Brutal, honest, naked vulnerability is what it takes.

If you are reading this and have never been married. I am not trying to scare you, simply just share. Perhaps I can help you in your future relationships. Hopefully. If you have been what I have been through, I am sure you can understand my fears. You may even have success after-the-fact stories. Learning to love again is difficult and scary… but there is a beauty in that that puts a huge smile on my face and hope in my heart.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…”– Ryan Gosling,The Notebook

“Trying to live and love, with a heart that can’t be broken, is like trying to see the light with eyes that can’t be opened.” – Glass, Thompson Square

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what I hope to give you forever.” – The Notebook

Take away for me… don’t be so guarded that you miss out on the chance to be happy. Don’t be afraid to open up. Let the beauty of someone’s love and adornment in! Life is too short to not jump in head first. But be you, not what you have to be to be with someone. beYOUtiful

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