I DON’T KNOW ABOUT Y’ALL BUT I ON OCCASION FIND MYSELF IN A SITUATION I KNOW IS OUT OF MY CONTROL. WHAT ARE WE TO DO WHEN THESE TIMES STARE US IN THE FACE?
WHEN I COME TO A CROSSROADS WHERE I HAVE TWO PATHS AND FEEL THAT THERE MUST BE A “RIGHT” DECISION… I TRY TELLING MYSELF THAT I DON’T KNOW GOD’S PLAN FOR MY LIFE AND, SOMEHOW, THAT GIVES ME PIECE OF MIND. THE THINGS IS, WE ALL WANT TO HAVE CONTROL OVER LIFE. WE WANT TO FEEL SECURE IN OUR OWN DECISIONS. IT’S DIFFICULT TO FEEL THAT SECURITY BECAUSE THE QUESTION OF “WHAT IF” MORE TIMES THAN NOT ALWAYS CREEPS IN BEFORE AND EVEN AFTER THE DECISION IS MADE. FAITH, MY FRIENDS. THERE IS MY ANSWER. HAVE FAITH THAT GOD WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO FAIL EVEN IF THE “RIGHT” DECISION IS NOT MADE.
SO… WHAT ELSE DO I DO WHEN I HAVE GREAT FAITH IN GOD? I PRAY HUMBLY ABOUT IT AND ASK THAT GOD BE BY MY SIDE AND THEN… I DIVE IN HEAD FIRST TRUSTING THAT GOD WILL PUT A ROAD BLOCK IN FRONT OF ME SHOULD I BE RUNNING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.IT CAN BE SO BEAUTIFUL AND FREEING. I’M NOT SAYING IT ISN’T NERVE-RACKING OR THAT I DO IT EASILY. I LIKEN IT TO THE TIME I WENT SKYDIVING AND I WAS ABOUT TO JUMP OUT OF THE PLANE. I WANTED SO BADLY NOT TO JUMP (TERRIFIED)! I WAS SO SCARED THAT SOMETHING WOULD GO WRONG. BUT… THEN I FIGURED, “WELL I AM ALREADY HERE” AND “I’VE BEEN PREPARING MYSELF FOR THIS”. I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO DO IT SO WHY NOT!?!? SO I DID!
I JUMPED OUT OF THAT PLANE LIKE I DO MANY TIMES INTO THE “ARMS” OF FAITH. FOR IT IS NOT FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND WHAT GOD IS DOING BEHIND THE SCENES. NOT KNOWING AND STILL TRUSTING.
do your best
When all else fails, do your best and know that has to be good enough.
There is no worse feeling that inadequacy. It is hard to describe to someone that you have exhausted yourself doing all you can to be the very best version of yourself. Everyone has the vices, issues, and struggles. I sometimes talk myself into thinking that I could be able to forget about things of the past and not bring them into the future. But is that really possible? I have recently gone through struggles, struggles I believe are brought on by God to teach me lessons I ran from learning prior. So, with that, I think my point is… that you can attempt to forget, you can try to run from dealing with things, but – at some point, God will bring you through it so you can be that better version of yourself that we are all striving for.
So back to that inadequacy. The true definition of the word is “lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.” This is all in the eye of the beholder. I feel many times that I have met or surpassed the required quality or quantity of what is asked. But, when the other person feels it is “insufficient for the purpose” … there is no amount of defending or persuasion that can make them believe it. You are spinning your wheels. The decision is no longer yours. Yet, another struggle. In hindsight, a role reversal that you now have to bear, that you can no longer run from. I imagine God is teaching me yet another lesson in humility and how relationships really must work.
All that to say… whatever it is that you are facing, in whatever struggle you are in – isn’t it beautiful to know that God cares enough about us to teach us lessons that will enrich us?! Like a parent to a young child. Though the child does not understand at the time, what they are being forced to do is for their own betterment. So, do your best, forgive yourself, and know that God is fighting for you. Know that you are good enough and trust in that you can do only what you can do most.
Romans 5:3-5 “ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
learning to love again
January 14, 2014
Divorce is a crazy thing, ya know. Months later, as I look back at all the many mistakes that were made, you realize how scary relationships can be. I was always that hopeless romantic who was confident in relationships, a deep love for love. I had no fear because of my great amount of trust I placed in the hand of another person. My heart. You place your heart and soul in the trust of someone you feel will safeguard it. I feel that being divorced has slapped reality on me. I now know the reality of marriage… it is not this beautiful, unconditional, never-failing thing that I idolized it to be. People can walk away, it’s just that simple.
I was the one who left. I asked for this. But that doesn’t make the heartache any less. It’s just a different kind of heartache. It’s a mourning of a dying relationship, a dying bond. Who wants to go through that again? I’ve never been broken up with. That’s a wild truth to admit but I haven’t. I don’t know exactly what that says about me or means really. But I’ve never felt abandoned in that deep way. I can’t even imagine the feeling. And that, that is what scares me. Learning to love again. (insert tears) How do you stop being selfish and stop thinking about yourself? This is my place of growth, reflection, and self-preservation, a way of protecting myself from being hurt.
But a stronger love, deeper love. Isn’t that what everyone wants? We want to feel comfortable and safe. (sigh) I want to know that my heart is safe, without manipulation or fear that someone will try to make you what they want you to be. But this kind of love I seek comes with time (sigh), trust (sigh), and vulnerability (tears). It’s so hard to learn to love like that again. You know the truth that never-married people just can’t understand.
Even knowing what I know and having felt the pain of a divorce, I still believe in love. Just yesterday, I was asked if I still believe in and want to be married. before having even answered, my eyes filled with tears. My thoughts: I’m young, just 27. I have a lifetime of love to give! Am I scared; Yes! I’m scared that I will fall for someone and that my track of never being broken up with will break and the universe will give me just what I deserve. My answer: absolutely! I absolutely still believe in marriage… love and being in a that deep of a relationship is BEAUTIFUL. (insert more tears)
I love being loved. Who doesn’t? The best truth of all, I have realized, is that I have a deeper respect for marriage. I have a realistic view so to speak on what it takes to make it survive. It isn’t always going to be easy. Life isn’t easy, it’s always changing and with that, people change. The thing is, you have to have a common goal that you are a “team”. Like a thick as thieves, best friends, you would die without the other “team”. You always have to consider the other person, most of the time, above yourself even. There is no room for being selfish. Brutal, honest, naked vulnerability is what it takes.
If you are reading this and have never been married. I am not trying to scare you, simply just share. Perhaps I can help you in your future relationships. Hopefully. If you have been what I have been through, I am sure you can understand my fears. You may even have success after-the-fact stories. Learning to love again is difficult and scary… but there is a beauty in that that puts a huge smile on my face and hope in my heart.
“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…”– Ryan Gosling,The Notebook
“Trying to live and love, with a heart that can’t be broken, is like trying to see the light with eyes that can’t be opened.” – Glass, Thompson Square
“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what I hope to give you forever.” – The Notebook
Take away for me… don’t be so guarded that you miss out on the chance to be happy. Don’t be afraid to open up. Let the beauty of someone’s love and adornment in! Life is too short to not jump in head first. But be you, not what you have to be to be with someone. beYOUtiful
January 14, 2014
This week has been a beautifully rough climax of the season I have been walking through. With that, I have been reflecting on where I am and just how uncomfortable I am willing to be with the unknown of God’s plan for my life. As I sip my coffee this morning and thumb through many quotes, these two cease my anxieties and bring me peace and remind me that I am blessed, even in unfavorable seasons.
LIFE. So about this whole “life” thing… I created this page with great intention – to be vulnerable, real, honest. But the term “life” is vague right?! It really doesn’t define much except for the fact that we simply are alive and existing, mentally and physically. The very definitions of life are depressing and so mundane, without true enthusiasm.
“life is a characteristic that distinguishes objects that have signaling and self-sustaining processes from those that do not”
“the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual”
“the period from birth to death”
And as I did not truly know how to kick start this “life page”, I figured I would just simply talk about me. So my life… that is, after all what I have intended to share (with hope that my experiences and sharings will have an impact on people and will perhaps be able to help you through life). And how good of a blog host would I be if I were not to share what my life has lead up until now? It may in fact help you to understand where my mind is going forward.
Let’s start with where I grew up. My town is smaller than where I currently reside and much less exciting! A beautiful and peaceful coastal town, but just a little on the boring side. I have an amazing family, small as I am an only child, but my parents and grandmother are the most loyal and supportive people I know. My friends are my rock! I would be nothing if not for my friends’ unconditional love and support. I am a true believer that the people you choose to be your family are the people you care for the most (non-inclusive of my parents that is).
I moved from there at age 22 on a contingency that things would “work out” with a wonderful someone. This, dear readers, is where my story truly begins. I met this fun, caring person just months earlier. He lived in another state and we dated long distance until it was decided that life would be better lived together. I was in love to say the least… truly head over heels. In my mind, there was nothing that could ever get in the way of that love. At age 24 I was proposed to in a truly romantic and thoughtful way (though I don’t really remember what he said). A year and a half later, at age 25 on a beautiful summer day, I was married! Married… yes, to an amazing man! I thought life could just end there and my life would be complete.
Perhaps life did stop there though… what an odd thought. I loved him, he loved me. Life was seemingly perfect. But here is a thought. Did I idolize the wedding above being realistic about what I was promising? Perhaps. Was I naive to the reality of life with this person because I thought love was enough? These many things run through your head at age 26 when you are having a staring contest with the rest of your life in your failing marriage. Failing because of him, me, our incompatibility? At any rate, at age 26 I was divorced.
Why am I choosing to write a blog now you may ask? I am many months down the road from my separation and divorce and have had major epiphanies. I know for a fact that while I want a family and a loving husband, I was not ready for the commitment it took to sustain it. I also was not stable enough nor knew what I wanted from life enough to share my life with someone who was many years older than I. I have a good amount of self-creation to engage in. I have had swift kicks from life post-marriage and I know that they will only keep coming.
I’ve been hurt, I’ve been happy, I’ve let people down, I’ve been let down, I’ve created hurt, I’ve broken promises, I’ve been selfish, I’ve jumped all in, I’ve had too high of expectations, I’ve loved, I’ve received love, and I’ve made amazing new life experiences. In other words, I have been LIVING. I made a terrifying decision to be on my own to be better for me and for a future wonderful someone. I made a choice to simply not just “life” my way through this adventure of “living”.
“living is an active involvement in life where there is meaningful interaction, with intent and purpose”
“the experience of being alive; the course of human events and activities”
So, with all that said… look forward to this page changing from “life” to “living”. I feel that title only appropriate with my newest epiphany on what those words truly mean to me. I will be vulnerable, real, and honest with you. This will be an adventure, together. I look forward to your questions, comments, concerns. Interaction is fun!
Welcome to LIVING. Enjoy y’all!!
walking through life with style and grace
A Navajo Prayer
In beauty may I walk
All day long may I walk
Through the returning seasons may I walk
Beautifully will I possess again
Beautifully joyful birds
On the trail marked with pollen may I walk
With grasshoppers about my feet may I walk
With dew about my feet may I walk
With beauty may I walk
With beauty before me may I walk
With beauty behind me may I walk
With beauty above me may I walk
With beauty all around me may I walk
In old age, wandering on a trail of beauty, lively, may I walk
In old age, wandering on a trail of beauty, living again, may I walk
It is finished in beauty.
It is finished in beauty.
The grace and trust that this prayer exudes gives such hope. What I find so beautiful about this prayer is that it is almost in an affirmation style. Affirmations, I have found, have immense psychological power. I truly believe that what you tell yourself and put out in the universe can have a great impact on your daily life and long-term goals. Something to think about….
Quotes. Quotes Quotes.
Good, bad, exciting, sad… there are quotes for it all and I embrace them. I can’t explain why but when I wake each morning, the first thing I do is reach over to my mirrored nightstand, grab my phone, and turn on pinterest. Oh pinterest, how I love you! So yes, in my pre-coffee state, I look through about 20 different quote pictures. I could have had the worst end to the previous day but when I wake up, the positive energy of the new day, with the help of my chosen quote, just fills me with joy. Of course, then I post it to Instagram, and well… NOW I get to share them with you. While most of my quotes are positive and uplifting, even inspirational at times, I do have my moments where I will share something perhaps a little… let’s say realistic, perhaps sad but coming from a place of deep thought.
However the quotes may be, I truly hope that some of you will find a connection and inspiration in them. It’s my outlet to express my feelings and I pray you will love the art of word as much as I do!!